ENGLISH DANSK

“For purposes of National Security and Freedom throughout the World, the United States of America feels that the ownership and control of Greenland is an absolute necessity.”

—American President Donald trump, 22 December 2024 (more)

Denmark’s well-established claim to New York City is far stronger than American President Donald Trump’s claim to Greenland.

For purposes of national security and freedom throughout the world, Denmark feels that the ownership and control of New York City is an absolute necessity. It’s not really clear what claim the United States has to New York. But it would be a very unfriendly act if they didn’t allow us to take it because it’s for protection of the free world. It’s not for us, it’s for the free world.

We repeat: Denmark needs New York City for national security purposes. People have been talking about it for a long time. There are probably 7 million people in New York who are not actually happy with the American government. And it’s only 780 square kilometers. That’s nothing compared to Denmark, which is 43,000 square kilometers. People really don’t even know if the United States has any legal right to it, but if they do, they should give it up because we need it for national security.

We’re talking about protecting the free world. You don’t even need binoculars, just look outside, there are Chinese ships all over the sea lanes surrounding New York City. We are not letting that happen. We are really not letting it happen. And if the United States wants to contest this, remember, nobody knows if they even have any right title or interest. And the United States is not doing its job and being a good ally.

So the question becomes, if the Chinese begin to threaten New York City, do we really trust that that is not a place where a bad deal is going to be made? Do we really trust that that is not a place where they would not intervene, maybe by force?

Frightening questions, indeed. And only Denmark can fix this horrible situation. But Denmark needs the tools and resources to do so. Given the United States’ threats to wall us off with tariffs, the worst tariffs the world has ever seen, we need control of a big, beautiful financial capital to exercise our disciplined and calming influence on the world. 

And it’s not a new idea. There’s great history. The best United States writer, Norman Mailer, ran a huge campaign for mayor saying New York City should be a separate political thing.

New Yorkers will welcome us. When we take control, New Yorkers will enjoy the same beautiful advantages that all other Danish people have: free healthcare, free schooling through college and graduate school, subsidized child care, free pensions, free at-home care for the old people. With Mærsk, our huge container shipping line, we will easily supply New Yorkers with everything. And of course Novo Nordisk, the only source of Ozempic, is a Danish company. If Mærsk and Novo Nordisk decide to stop supplying the United States, it won’t be a problem for New Yorkers!

And don’t forget, Lego is a Danish company. Would you like to tell your child that there’s no Lego available anymore? New Yorkers will never have to do that.

New York has a great deal in common with Denmark. Many people don’t know that New York City is a on a straight line with Copenhagen, our capital.

And Denmark is home to contemporary cities with crowded airports, busy shops, educational institutions, cozy cafés, and cinemas—just like New York! When international surveys ask citizens around the world how happy they are with their daily lives and personal circumstances, Denmark always comes in among the top three happiest places in the world—not like New York! But don’t worry, we will fix it. We will make New Yorkers happy, whether they like it or not.

Many people are surprised to hear this, but New York City has giant sharks. They’re in a huge gang, a horrible gang, they made a big movie about it. And of course we’ll protect New York City from the sharks. Don’t worry about that.

There will be many other benefits. According to famous experts at Mejeriforeningen, Havarti cheese is one of the most popular cheeses sold in New York delis and bodegas. It’s the best cheese, the greatest cheese!

But by international law, real Havarti can only be produced in Denmark. So when Denmark takes over, New Yorkers will be able to make their own Havarti completely legally! No more illegal cheese coming into the city, we’ll put a stop to that.

Also, New Yorkers love Wienerbrød, which they call Danish Pastries.

But frankly, the quality of Wienerbrød in New York is horrible. You can be sure that we will fix that when we take control.

New Yorkers like to yell at each other, and live with the loudest noises from construction, from traffic, from subways. A 2012 study by the National Health Institutes found a huge number, the biggest number of New Yorkers risk hearing loss from noise. And in what country are most hearing aid manufacturers located? That’s right, in Denmark! With the Donald Trump tariffs in place, New Yorkers won’t be able to afford hearing aids. But when Denmark takes control, no problem—tariff-free hearing aids for all!

This is not a joke. This is not about acquiring land for the purpose of acquiring land. This is in our national interest and it needs to be solved. And, if you think we are joking, think about this: the Danish military is far stronger than the New York City military. New York City doesn’t even have a military. And American President Donald Trump will certainly do nothing. New York City doesn’t vote for him. He could care less if we take it over. It is in his best interest that we take New York City. The result will be bigger Republican majorities for him in the congress and the electoral university, and he will be more loved. A big beautiful deal, a win-win for everybody!

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